What I Learned Today: Takers & Givers Revisited
ARE YOU A GIVER OR A TAKER?
What a question! Takers, you know who you are. Givers, not so much.
I suppose most people would like to be perceived as giving. It depends. What are you giving? The intangibles can be easier, but not always. Respect, civility, a polite greeting--most of us are capable of these things on the regular--we expect those things from ourselves, in order to have some kind of decent self-concept and a modicum of self-esteem.
Some cover their taking with a veneer of frugality. "What's mine is mine," and that's all there is to it. If they need or want something from you, it's generosity time! Others just go ahead and take: "Can I borrow that?" You know you'll never see it again if you acquiesce.
Givers give because they feel good when they do it. Some expect more reciprocity than others. Two givers together have a hard time:
"You!"
"No, you!"
My friend Darlene and I have this problem, We laugh about it:
Her: "I have time. YOU NEED TO DO THIS!
Me: "It's just money, honey, and I ain't gotta take the BUS."
Two Takers together are a tornado of trouble.
--Newsweek
Think Bonnie and Clyde. Louise and Steve. Jared and Ivanka. Trump and Melania. These people are taking our money, our liberty, our standing in the world, and even our ability to be healthy and stay alive. They don't see the problem with it, either. They're busy decorating the hell of their own making.
In the midst of a pandemic that is taking hundreds of thousands of lives, Melania chooses to reno the Rose Garden. 'Be Best' seems to mean, "Be best positioned to present yourself like a supermodel, no matter what." That genius visa is not getting us much of a return on our investment. She's not out here lauding the front-line workers. No input on how to manage our new normal at home with the family...nothing but "Let me spruce up something that is fine just as it is!"
Melania has been the least visible First Lady of my lifetime. One can almost imagine her in a giant Mattel box in the private quarters, her fixed smile and vacant eyes staring at nothing until the next time she is posted up beside the Grifter-In-Chief.
There is a recent photo of her in a bathtub full of cash. She looks almost as happy as when she's next to Trudeau.
--ctvnews
This might be the only other thing she and Ivanka share in common.
--Fortune
Have you ever seen her look at Jared like that?
Certainly, Jarvanka are especially galling, as they treat America as their Personal Slush Fund, and our service members like their grooms, skycaps, and valets.
--CNN
Takers take. They take your time. They sap your energy. They have their eye on anything you find meaningful, in case they might need or want it later. They'll use your creativity without so much as a caption credit.
Your children are the worst.
Most grow out of taking from you. Some make it a life choice. It is then up to you to stop Giving to your Taker, and save yourself.
Your kids think you owe them everything nice in your life. Mess around and fail to realize it. See what happens. I had just begun to notice Malachi's change of heart toward me wasn't temporary when this picture was taken.
Mister Glass was deciding that Givers should not be so stupid that they give until they need their Takers to reciprocate. He was right.
Love means never having to tell a Taker, "It's MINE and you cannot have it.
Yeah, I'm salty. I don't have any regrets about what I've given to my children. Ashton is not as bad when it comes to taking. He's not actually a Taker. My youngest is a Giver with some really bad Taker impulses. He is mastering them, and I see him making the effort. Malachi makes excuses and hands out blame. He's miscalculated here and there. Your kids generally don't see the adult that goes out and kills the hog that supplies the bacon you bring home...but they can.
Givers gotta get in order to give. Sometimes, you have to treat your kids like you would a toxic colleague. Watch this space.
TAKERS CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT GIVERS.
Sounds so stupid, right?
Givers are always the last to know. As mothers, giving is our primary job description. Giving is our main task. We are expected to give. Moms who did not sacrifice their all for their kids in order to keep something left over for themselves were anathema when I was taking in the social cues of mom-ing. They obtained terrible, unshakable reputations.
"Selfish. Look at her, dressed to the teeth while that child looks a pure ragamuffin!"
There is NO statute of limitations on a BAD reputation!
Joan Crawford, Taker, Actress, Not-So-Great Mom.
Faye Dunaway as Joan, a "Mom Who Took Too Much."
| Paramount Home Entertainment ; Burbank, CA : Distributed by Warner Home Video, 2006. |
I am glad to say that women now know that they must give to themselves and care for themselves in order to be the best mothers they can be for their children. But here's a question:
Are we grooming our sons to be takers, while styling our daughters into endless fonts of sacrificial giving?
I kinda think so. As the mother of three sons (with three fathers hailing from three different decades), These roosters have come home to ROOST. This blog is me recalling that I'm a writer with a fair singing voice, some musical training, three Associate's degrees, and an encyclopedic knowledge of R&B.
I'm not a needy buster held hostage by The 'Rona and a kid who thinks I gave and gave and gave and gave just because he's so fucking GREAT.
He's fantastic, but not greater than Jesus.
Or me. But Jesus loves me, this I know.
AND URRBODY IS BOUT TO FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND OUT.
See, takers need givers. Givers can always find someone to whom they can give. Better yet, they can give to themselves, and wake up some takers, yo.
Takers need givers the way liars need truth-tellers. A person who can be depended upon to tell the truth is a prey to deceivers. How do you disable a liar? If you're an honest person, tell a lie. It will be their undoing. Every lie hangs upon a scaffolding of truth, or it won't have any effect. Having learned this the hard way, one would think I understood the difference between Givers and Takers. I suppose I do know the difference. I just did not see the Takers I was cultivating in my own home.
I didn't see that I had made takers until I needed them to give to me.
But knowing is half the battle.
Now I know that none of this "Giver" thing applies to them, and even amid the direst of circumstances, I should be able to take care of myself without their assistance. After all, I took care of them without any help!
Seriously, this is the rationale my two youngest children use when they tell me I need to pull myself up by my mom-enabled BOOTSTRAPS, and stop expecting them to do without anything at all so I can have what I need.
I thought that my Takers would become Givers, should I ever need them to.
I was wrong. See:
"I didn't ask to come here!"
"You had an obligation!"
"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO!"
Their fathers were supposed to, as well. Now they ARE, and I am persona non grata.
This summer has taught me a lot. The most important lesson:
Be alive next year, and let Malachi and Ashton watch you do you.
As I say, the younger one came and saw how I am living, and his compassion kicked in. I am grateful. He has an intellect like a geyser; it will douse you with unbearable truths at regular intervals.
"Mom, why would anybody try to get all grimy after they finish college?"
Of course, young America has got a role model:
Could she BE any whiter, holding that can of black beans like Carol Merrill on "The Price is Right?"
"I still got it," her fake smile screams. We know she don't eat black beans--that's why she's wearing a white dress in a white room with white drapes, with her white self. Didn't even quote the slogan correctly, choosing, for once in her Trumpy life, correct sentence construction.
Ivanka is a taker. She takes trademarks. She takes empty policy positions. She takes liberties. She takes photo opportunities to seem like a giver.
Ivanka Trump takes the cake. The woman is living proof that conscience is optional.
She doesn't want to know her father is corrupt because that is the same as knowing she is corrupt. She does want you to know that kissing up to Daddy will cause her to cock her hip most seductively, and act as IF she gives a flying fiesta about you or your black beans.
Does anyone ever recall seeing Ivanka pregnant? She's a mom! (Yes, I covered toxic moms, I know.) Even her kids seem to be some kind of prop. Her effete husband doesn't appear the least bit sexual. I find this surprising, since Ivanka seems to think herself quite the sexpot. I had her pegged for a more rugged type of dude. Shows you what I know about the despoiled and entitled. I have no empathy for Ivanka. She chooses grift over every other response. She and her family are destroying our country. They're the First Family of Takers, and they're taking our liberty, our money, our hope, and our future.
Let's give them the heave-ho.
https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2017/06/21/mother-monster/
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