KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

I cannot tell you how much I loved my little apartment.

It was the first place I have ever lived in alone, as an adult. I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's alone there, watching television. I didn't mind. I was happy. 

At fifty-five, I believe my life went pretty much as well as it could have. There are things that I would have done differently, to be sure. Now here I am, having lost everything, over and over. Again I am facing the challenge of beginning again, with nothing.

How is it that women are expected to sacrifice for others, but when we express our need for an investment of time and love, we are perceived as "demanding," or "needy?"  So be it. I have discovered that my loved ones expected my undying devotion--but they ain't got TIME to make a real return on my investment.  I got mad. I went nuts. It was NOT well-received.

So be it. I learned something.

It is time to put myself FIRST. I don't really know how to do that. I was one of the last to get the memo: "Self-care enables ME to take care of YOU!

This incredibly boring summer reminds me that I had made a life for myself, and I can do it again.

I have been terribly lonely and bereft here alone day after day. None of the things I thought would happen during this graduation season have come about. I don't think I expected too much. My insistence on full participation was met with outrage.

Very well.  This too shall pass.  I know what to expect from my sons as adults.  They think they know what to expect from me--what they've always gotten, and apparently, taken for granted.

My resentment, wounding, outrage, shame, embarrassment at needing someone who could look me in the eye and say, "I really don't think I need to be taking care of someone like you," is inexpressible. (Someone like yer mom? K.)

This is when your loved ones raise their voices: "That's NOT what I said!"  That is what you said. It is also what you meant.  I am still reeling.  I have had plenty of time to think about it, here in this lonely, roach-ridden college crash crib.

Your attitude is my ticket to freedom, and I'm taking it.  Thank you for showing me who you are and how you feel, now that I am expendable baggage.

Living well is not just the best revenge--it is the only revenge.  "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, thus saith the LORD." I am angry and embarrassed that I ever thought I would be seen outside my role as a mom by my kids.

I can show them better than I can tell them.  The only thing I am sure of in this uncertain era is that I will leave hurt and pain behind today, even if I have to do it minute by minute.

So can you.